To comprehend gambling, you must first grasp the concept of probability. Unless you understand the odds that you’re up against, there’s no way to know whether a bet is worth taking or not. For a wager to be worth your time, the real-life likelihood of a result taking place should be higher-or-equal-to the implied probability. “Implied probability” is a term for converting the betting odds into percentage form, which gives you a figure with which to compare the actual likelihood.
At the very foundation of all games-of-chance, ratios, and gambling alike is one contest that’s survived for centuries. This brief competition has been used to settle disputes and make decisions for as long as man has utilized coinage as a form of currency. With it’s evenly distributed weight and duo of equally likely outcomes, the coin toss was perfect for settling disputes or deciding actions when only two choices were available.
However, to this day, most of the world believes that the age-old coin toss is entirely random and beyond one’s control. Today, I’m here to tell you that’s nothing but hogwash. If you never want to lose another 50/50 opportunity again in your life, I’ve got several unique systems that promise to give you a lifetime of coin flip dominance.
There’s a good chance that before this article, you never considered how critical consistently winning coin tosses can be. In the famous documentary “No Country for Old Men,” a psychopathic assassin forces an innocent and terrified old man into a fifty-fifty proposition for his life. If he called the side correctly, he’d live; if not, he’d be killed by a piston gun, typically used in slaughtering cattle.
Luckily, the elderly gentleman escaped that episode with his life. Nevertheless, had he known my tips and tricks for winning every toss, the whole ordeal would have been much less stressful.
Whether your life is in the balance, you’re betting NFL Super Bowl prop bets, or you’re merely trying to receive the opening kickoff in football, utilizing the proper strategy is instrumental in changing the odds in your favor. In this article, you’ll learn all of the best ways to ensure victory in any and all coin toss competitions. When you’re done, you’ll be in full control of your own destiny and ready to earn boatloads of profit.
The first method of winning every coin toss that you learn is also the most basic. Be warned; it’s also an extremely high-risk maneuver. You’ll want to keep the stakes at “school-yard wagers over Slim Jims” or “who has to take the next shot” levels.
Basically, you just buy a double-sided or weighted coin at a magic shop. Just about every city has at least one odd magic shop, usually with a tall, off-putting, carny-type working the floor and demonstrating various tricks. You should be able to purchase this simple trick for less than $5.
However, the problem with this rookie system is that should your opponent wish to see or hold the deciding coin before the toss; you’re screwed. Not only will your trick no longer work, but you will also have been found out as a fraud.
I always recommend handicappers utilizing the Rookie method to carry a small hand-held tazer or cattle prod in their purse or back pocket. If an inspection is requested and your cover is blown, blast your would-be opponent in the ribs with the highest setting of your stun gun and get out of dodge before they get up.
Now that you’re a no-good trickster you’ll want to avoid the neighborhood in which this crime took place for at least the next five years. Once you’re tired of having to resort to electrocution to dominate the coin toss game, there are several more advanced systems which lower your risk and chance of error substantially.
Winds of Fate
Unlike the Rookie Method, the Winds of Fate technique will be harnessing well-timed man-made gusts of wind either coming from your mouth or nostrils, depending on your unique anatomy. Before you’ll be able to execute this system, you’ll need to master your “coin touch.” This means learning how to flip the tiny saucer with the exact same power and rotation every time. Before engaging in an official toss-off, ask to analyze the official flipper, during which time you should try a few test flicks. Observe which side is facing up before lift-off, and memorize the results of the landing in relation to the starting position. A pattern should form.
However, it’s likely you won’t get a say in which side begins the toss face up, and the thrower may have their hand over the token while you make your pick. That’s why you’ll need to be able to alter the coin’s rotation while it’s still in the air!
The only invisible force available to us during an officiated coin toss is the air around us and our lungs’ ability to create wind through forcefully exhaling. If you’re able to generate enough pressure through your nostrils, this is preferred as it’s the most stealthy.
If nasal blowing isn’t an option, or you can’t harness the necessary accuracy due to the shape of your nostrils, impeding nose-hairs, or other gross obstructions, you’ll need to use the mouth. If you obviously blow at the coin as if it were a birthday candle while it’s up in the air, you’re likely to get disqualified and/or punched in the face.
That’s why you’ll need to master the ability to exhale a focused stream of air through the mouth without moving your lips or facial muscles. I recommend watching ventriloquism training videos to familiarize yourself with the appropriate techniques.
Finally, once you’ve developed your preferred method of wind, simply time your exhalations according to whichever side of the coin is showing before the launch, and the desired result. By decreasing the spin rate by only a few resolutions, you should produce the winning outcome more often than not.
Before moving on to the next section, I’d like to share with you one last veteran tip to consider when using the Winds of Fate. Upon entering the room or social situation in which the coin flip will take place, make sure to do lots of nose-blowing, coughing, sneezing, and other sinus-related outbursts. This will set a foundation for any weird sounds or movements you make when trying to blow at the spinning token.
The New Age aka “The Secret” System
If you’ve ever visited a commune, Bikram Yoga studio, or other popular hippy gathering spot, you’ve most likely encountered quantum physics and new age spiritual belief systems. One of these movements gained significant popularity in the mid-2000’s after Oprah’s Book Club shared a title called “The Secret.”
These new age doctrines preach that through mental training, goal setting, and intense visualization in which the “manifestor” allows themselves to feel as if the desired outcome has already happened, even radiating thankfulness to the universe for providing such a prize. They say if you focus your subconscious mind enough so that it believes the visualization, the universal mind will manifest these things into your life.
Now, before you are able to use visualization techniques, meditation, and raw belief to manifest your own reality, you’ll need first to make some pretty significant lifestyle changes. First, becoming one with the Divine Oneness of the universe, you’ll need to clear your body of impurities, the worst of which is aluminum.
In order to accomplish this feat, you’ll need to stop using deodorant, which is full of the stuff. The stronger it is at fighting sweat and odor, the more aluminum it’s using to stuff up your pores or whatever it does. Instead, you’ll have to go full vegan organic by making a disgusting hippy armpit paste to use in its place.
You’re still going to stink (unless you’re South Korean), but the effort alone will help you deal with some of the guilt of bothering people with your smell all of the time. Slathering yourself in patchouli oil is another alternative, though every bit as offensive.
Once you’re done with deodorant, you’re also going to want to start collecting all kinds of crystal jewelry, talismans, and loose stones. You’ll need to force yourself to believe that these pretty rocks hold vibrational energy that will help you tap into the ethereal plane. If you’re currently too intelligent and discerning to accept such a thing, consider huffing paint or glue off-and-on for a week or two (please don’t really).
The last and most crucial step will be to spread your lifestyle change on social media aggressively. You need to make sure you let every single person you’ve met since high school know about all of the latest Joe Rogan quotes and as many psychedelic graphic art pictures of weird human bodies and aliens and stuff as you can find.
After you’ve established an aggressive high-volume posting habit, you’ll want to incorporate Instagram and Snap Chat videos into your routine (assault). You want to stare right into the camera while emphatically preaching about universal love and positive energy. Maybe throw in some interdimensional beings for good measure.
There’s nothing that proves your devotion to the cause quite like an internet clip that leaves viewers thinking, “I mean, I agree with his/her general message, but there’s something about the over-stimulated wide-eyed mania in the delivery that makes me want to immediately gnaw into a raw steak and litter at a National Park.”
Finally, you will be a master of quantum physics and manifesting your own reality. From this point forward, as long as you believe that your coin will land on “Heads” or “Tails” with enough faith and desire, the universal intelligence will make it so.
You’ll still kinda stink.
Padawan Gambling Strategy
My next fail-proof approach to dominating any coin toss will involve harnessing the power of “The Force.” Now, don’t get too intimidated by the basic requirements of telekinesis and tapping into an ancient religion from a galaxy far, far away.
You won’t need to learn how to choke people from a distance or sword fight; all you need is the ability to manipulate a tiny disk of metal in flight and set it down in the correct configuration, hence the “Padawan” title.
In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve yet to encounter a practitioner of “The Force” in my lifetime. I’ve met a ton of Star Wars nerds, but they all just play dress up without any of the impressive capabilities. Nevertheless, they’ve shown that it works in the popular documentary movies and since it’s illegal to lie on film lest you be brought up on “False Advertisement” charges, I’m confident that this tactic is well within your grasp.
The Don Juan / Mentalist Maneuver
Sometimes the right approach is merely a matter of perception rather than manipulation of the results. The cold hard truth is that a significant majority of the public that we engage with on a daily basis is stupid, distracted, and in a state of near-trance a majority of the time.
What you called and which side landed face up is whatever you say it was, after the fact. The “sheeple” want to be led; give them a hand and correct their shaky memory! There are a couple of reliable strategies to help your opponent appreciate the error of their ways.
The first, and arguably the most timeless system of all, is to be exceedingly attractive with absurd levels of charisma and animal magnetism. Through excessive peacocking and flattery, your victims will feel a burning desire to tell you whatever you want to hear. By allowing them to crown you the winner, you’re doing them a favor and providing an opportunity for the loser to pay you back in exchange for gracing them with your presence.
For those of us without leather pants, blouses, and dangly earrings, a smidgen more manipulation will be necessary. You may want to develop the skills of a mentalist of hypnotist. Someone who is expert at reading the micro-expressions on a person’s face and body language, while also sneaking subtle suggestions into their speech.
Through your use of non-stop analysis, misdirection, and neuro-linguistic programming you may shape and edit your counterpart’s memory until they’re a certain that the coin landed on whichever side you called as they are about the reality of you standing there. Consider reminding them that you doubled or tripled the stakes for that toss as well if you please.
The Patrick Mahomes Principle
The universe we live in is nothing but an incomprehensibly massive pattern, moving in perfect symphony. From our measley three-dimensional existence, the sequencing and shape of the grand design is imperceivable. Think of yourself watching an anthill or a bee-hive. In the same way that we can see the repetitious pattern to their life, perhaps more magnificent beings may observe ours.
For whatever reason, one piece of the fabric of reality seems to be a stipulation that as long as Patrick Mahomes is named the starting quarterback, the Chiefs are destined to win every gameday coin toss. As of the writing of this article, the Kansas City Coin Toss streak has extended to ten consecutive wins.
If you’d like to harness some of this certainty for yourself, you’ll need to fool Fate into applying the same benefits to your tosses. To properly execute this powerful ritual, you will need two people, a old-fashioned red shirts or jerseys, and disguises. You must BE Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes to leech off of their well of magic.
One of you must wear a mustache (real or fake will work), a sizeable pultruding belly (on the unlikely chance that you’re not overweight, stuffing a pillow under your shirt will do), and generally carry yourself like a somewhat-bemused-but-simultaneously-huggable-human-walrus-hybrid like Andy Reid. The second person will need a “My Little Pony” haircut and bandana/headband thingy, while also speaking like a Jon Deere tractor salesman, ala Patrick Mahomes.
As long as you occupy the spirit of the coach-quarterback duo, you will reap their rewards. However, be sure not to come out of character until at least three miles from the site of the coin toss. Any closer and you risk angering Fate, which will lead to a relentless onslaught of horrific low-probability accidents similar to the ones in the “Final Destination” horror movie franchise.
The Tony Spilotro
Anthony “The Ant” Spilotro is a famous Las Vegas mobster, best known from Joe Pesci’s portrayal in the Marty Scorsese classic “Casino.” Spilotro initially came to Vegas to act as muscle and protection for Frank Rosenthal, who was called Sam Rothstein in the same film, and played by Robert Deniro.
Not content to merely play by the mid-west mafia bosses’ rules, the Ant began setting up his own crime syndicate in the gambling-friendly desert town. His “hole in the wall gang” was known for bashing through hotel room walls and entering to steal all of the resident’s jewels and money. He also had numerous other rackets around the valley including protection schemes and cheating at tables.
In the movie, Pesci’s character is seen discussing a recent wager over a football game. He tells the bookie that he took the winning side, much to the confusion of the oddsmaker. The befuddled sportsbook employee pleads with the mobster that he remembers him wanting to bet the losing team.
To this, Spilotro responds that he either won the bet, or the bookmaker’s head was going to be shoved through the tiny round banker’s window in his booth. He was promptly paid out the full earnings. When using this approach for yourself, you’ll need to grow comfortable with the concept of using violence as an end to your means.
Much like the Don Juan or Mentalist Maneuvers, the Ant’s system is centered around the idea that sometimes people must be told what it is they really saw. You may use a baseball bat, hammer, crowbar, or other blunt weaponry as you see fit to enforce the “replacement memory” in your opponent’s mind.
When utilizing “assault and battery with a deadly weapon” to emerge victorious from a crucial coin toss, you may need to follow through with the violence a few times before victims – *ahem* competitors – comprehend the reality of the “correct” memory. I suggest targeting the knees and/or hands for between two and five swift bashings before starting a new inquiry regarding which side of the coin landed face up.
Before you go about using the Tony Spilotro strategy, you’ll want to ensure the stakes are high enough to be worth the additional complications this approach brings. Ideally, you’ll have a sizable organized crime syndicate behind you, allowing you to act with impunity outside the law.
If so, your typical web of police officer bribes and political contributions should have you shielded from any consequences for your brazen violence. For those of you without connections to organized crime, you’ll need to take some extra steps for the sake of cautiousness. You may need to get out of town to let the heat clear if your bitter opponent goes to the police because they’re a poor sport over losing the coin toss.
In my line of work, gambling and probabilities are constant themes. Every event that I cover and each wager that I discuss is analyzed based on the real-life likelihood of the outcomes taking place in relation to the implied probabilities of the betting odds. The first example always used to teach these concepts is a standard coin toss.
For centuries, the mainstream mathematics community and their horde or ignorant believers have used the coin as the ultimate measure of any gamble between only two equal outcomes. From upon high in their ivory towers they’ve arrogantly proclaimed this sacred thumb-generated currency flip as the supreme 50/50 proposition.
When you don’t have enough participants to warrant drawing straws, this timeless coin-based contest is the go-to to settle tiebreakers and disagreements alike, with either side believed to have an equal chance of success. But now you know better.
Winning 100% of your coin tosses isn’t beyond your grasp at all. That’s just more mumbo-jumbo propagated by “Big Arithmetic.” Whether you choose to develop novice-level Jedi abilities, precise streams of nasal air, mental manipulation, or brute force, by tapping into these essential techniques you can guarantee yourself a lifetime of domination over pocket-change-related gambling.